My name is Michael Vandeven. Life provides us with a seemingly limitless number of things to be annoyed by. The following, in no particular order, is a list of some things that I hate. It was originally posted in 2006.
Martin Lawrence. Yeah, we get it: white people can’t dance and they all speak like a 1940’s gangster. Fat-suits and hacky afro comedy are funny for about 10 minutes. How can a man be a millionaire and still continue to say “axe” when he means to use the word “ask”? You, sir, have overstayed your welcome. Go away and take your low-rent, “straight to DVD” movies with you. Douche.
Anorexic women and the people who tell me I should care. I think George Carlin summarized the situation eloquently with the following words: “Rich cunt don’t wanna eat? Fuck her.” What an exclusively Western disease this is. Totally rooted in vanity, anorexia and the dumb women who die from it have caused me to lose exactly ZERO seconds of sleep. When the skeletal creature in this picture dies and is no longer able to wobble about Malibu with her comedically oversized Reeboks, that will be one less monument to the self important “me” culture we’re so famous for in the USA. If you die from obesity, you’re a pig who didn’t take care of yourself. If you die from anorexia, you’re a poor girl who had a psychological issue. Go screw.
Assholes who think the Camaro is an impressive car.
Geddy Lee’s voice. Nails on a chalkboard.
Black people. I’m only kidding. No hate mail, please.
Sammy Hagar. Bleh. If music were a retail outlet, he would be K-Mart. People in St. Louis just can’t get enough of this guy. I know because I hear it from them all the time as I bite my tongue in shame. I recommend against living in St. Louis for a number of reasons, among which, this is one.
People who don’t like dogs.
These faucets make me vomit. You have to keep pushing a button down throughout the futile process of attempting to wash your hands. It’s exceedingly frustrating and unsanitary. I swear to you I would happily become a terrorist if it meant I could suicide bomb both the inventor of this faucet and those who install it. Wait… I might have to choose one or the other.
If you want to complain about religion and its tendency to Bogart piles of money, you’d better start here. Whimsically created by a second rate science fiction writer named L. Ron Hubbard, Scientology is the biggest turd in a punch bowl ever encountered by man. Take every religion you know, isolate their flaws, multiply that by 100, and you’ll understand Scientology.
Jesus fish drivers. Every time someone is failing to yield, making poor lane changes, failing to maintain a consistent speed, failing to use a turn signal, driving too slowly, driving too quickly, or generally being a dumbass on the road, they invariably have a Jesus fish plastered on the back of their dumb car. Don’t believe me? Just look for it the next time someone pisses you off out there. You’ll see that I’m right. Crash into a bridge abutment, Jesus fish drivers.
Mullets. If syphilis were a hair style…
Stupid, outdated, irrelevant, obsolete search engines that continue to exist for no good reason whatsoever. Included in this category are Lycos and Excite along with several others I can’t even begin to remember. Hell, add Yahoo to the list, too. Die, already.
People who walk around incessantly talking about how they practice Wicca. I’m sorry you didn’t get a Super Nintendo when you were 6 and so now you’re pissed off at God but are too afraid to commit to atheism. However, I must ask that you please perform the ultimate ritual by choking on your magic medallions, chalices, and charm beads. Your religion is fake and so is the idiotic dye in your hair. You completely blow mule shaft unlike any other.
High-school “Dead heads” who crumble when you ask them to name 3 Grateful Dead songs other than Touch of Grey, Truckin’ or Casey Jones. Posers.
Morbidly obese women who drive a Geo Metro or similarly sized vehicle. It’s like… I mean… really?
Guys who, in an era of electricity and horseless carriages, continue to wear cowboy hats. You can’t be serious with this shit.
Damp socks. Just awful.
The smell of ANY aquatic life form.
When one pubic hair gets tangled with another. This can happen with armpit hair, as well.
When people have a wispy air leak sound that flows through their poorly fitted false teeth as they speak. The unending clicking sound really bothers me, too.
People who ask you to combine parts from all of their 20 year old computers into one “Mega Super Computer”… to save money. I once had an employer try and pull this stunt in an attempt to avoid buying the new computer he’d already promised during the interview.
Guys who wear a mustache. First off, they’re usually hiding something. Second, they’re the type of guys who give you problems. Think about it. Every guy who has ever given you shit in your entire life, be it at work or elsewhere, has had a mustache. See?
People who use the phrase, “Our Home on the Web” as a cute way of saying “website.” How 1998 of you. If you are one of these butt spelunkers, please hire someone who knows what they’re doing and put up a real website. I’m not saying UFOShip.com is a work of perfection or anything, but CHRIST!
Dr. Phil’s show.
Those who are interested in Dr. Phil’s views.
Poodles of ANY size. What a dumb, useless, soulless dog. Buy a brick. It’s cheaper and smarter.
People who exist for the sole purpose of showing you pictures of their ALWAYS purportedly brilliant offspring. Apparently, nobody I’ve encountered has unintelligent kids. It’s the strangest thing. I am not impressed by the fact that one of your sperm connected. Go away and enjoy your federal tax credit.
People who mention the fact that Hitler was involved in bringing the Volkswagen Bug to fruition… as if it makes up for the ovens.
Sub humans who throw their used toilet paper in a trash can rather than flush it. Savages.
Missionaries. I have yet to find a more annoying breed of human. “Your roof leaks like a sieve and you’re eating stolen top soil? Here’s a free copy of The Book of Mormon.” Assholes.