My name is Michael Vandeven.  Life provides us with a seemingly limitless number of things to be annoyed by.  The following, in no particular order, is a list of some things that I hate.  It was originally posted in 2006.

 

Martin Lawrence
Martin Lawrence. Yeah, we get it: white people can’t dance and they all speak like a 1940’s gangster. Fat-suits and hacky afro comedy are funny for about 10 minutes. How can a man be a millionaire and still continue to say “axe” when he means to use the word “ask”? You, sir, have overstayed your welcome. Go away and take your low-rent, “straight to DVD” movies with you. Douche.

 

Anorexic Women
Anorexic women and the people who tell me I should care. I think George Carlin summarized the situation eloquently with the following words: “Rich cunt don’t wanna eat? Fuck her.” What an exclusively Western disease this is. Totally rooted in vanity, anorexia and the dumb women who die from it have caused me to lose exactly ZERO seconds of sleep. When the skeletal creature in this picture dies and is no longer able to wobble about Malibu with her comedically oversized Reeboks, that will be one less monument to the self important “me” culture we’re so famous for in the USA.  If you die from obesity, you’re a pig who didn’t take care of yourself. If you die from anorexia, you’re a poor girl who had a psychological issue. Go screw.

 

Camaro
Assholes who think the Camaro is an impressive car.

 

Geddy Lee
Geddy Lee’s voice. Nails on a chalkboard.

 

Black People
Black people. I’m only kidding. No hate mail, please.

 

Sammy Hagar
Sammy Hagar. Bleh. If music were a retail outlet, he would be K-Mart.  People in St. Louis just can’t get enough of this guy.  I know because I hear it from them all the time as I bite my tongue in shame.  I recommend against living in St. Louis for a number of reasons, among which, this is one.

 

People who don't like dogs.
People who don’t like dogs. 

 

Horrible Faucet
These faucets make me vomit. You have to keep pushing a button down throughout the futile process of attempting to wash your hands. It’s exceedingly frustrating and unsanitary. I swear to you I would happily become a terrorist if it meant I could suicide bomb both the inventor of this faucet and those who install it.  Wait… I might have to choose one or the other.

 

Scientololgy Sucks
If you want to complain about religion and its tendency to Bogart piles of money, you’d better start here. Whimsically created by a second rate science fiction writer named L. Ron Hubbard, Scientology is the biggest turd in a punch bowl ever encountered by man. Take every religion you know, isolate their flaws, multiply that by 100, and you’ll understand Scientology.

 

Jesus Fish Drivers
Jesus fish drivers. Every time someone is failing to yield, making poor lane changes, failing to maintain a consistent speed, failing to use a turn signal, driving too slowly, driving too quickly, or generally being a dumbass on the road, they invariably have a Jesus fish plastered on the back of their dumb car. Don’t believe me? Just look for it the next time someone pisses you off out there.  You’ll see that I’m right.  Crash into a bridge abutment, Jesus fish drivers.

 

Mullet Haircut
Mullets. If syphilis were a hair style…

 

Stupid, outdated, irrelevant, obsolete search engines that continue to exist for no good reason whatsoever. Included in this category are Lycos and Excite along with several others I can't even begin to remember.  Die, already.
Stupid, outdated, irrelevant, obsolete search engines that continue to exist for no good reason whatsoever. Included in this category are Lycos and Excite along with several others I can’t even begin to remember. Hell, add Yahoo to the list, too. Die, already.

 

Wicca Posers
People who walk around incessantly talking about how they practice Wicca. I’m sorry you didn’t get a Super Nintendo when you were 6 and so now you’re pissed off at God but are too afraid to commit to atheism. However, I must ask that you please perform the ultimate ritual by choking on your magic medallions, chalices, and charm beads. Your religion is fake and so is the idiotic dye in your hair. You completely blow mule shaft unlike any other.

 

Deadhead Poser
High-school “Dead heads” who crumble when you ask them to name 3 Grateful Dead songs other than Touch of Grey, Truckin’ or Casey Jones. Posers.

 

Fat Women Small Car
Morbidly obese women who drive a Geo Metro or similarly sized vehicle. It’s like… I mean… really?

 

Dumb Cowboy Hat
Guys who, in an era of electricity and horseless carriages, continue to wear cowboy hats. You can’t be serious with this shit.

 

Wet socks
Damp socks. Just awful.

 

shrimp
The smell of ANY aquatic life form.

 

Tangled Pubic Hair
When one pubic hair gets tangled with another. This can happen with armpit hair, as well.

 

Poorly Fitted False Teeth
When people have a wispy air leak sound that flows through their poorly fitted false teeth as they speak. The unending clicking sound really bothers me, too.

 

Old Computer
People who ask you to combine parts from all of their 20 year old computers into one “Mega Super Computer”… to save money. I once had an employer try and pull this stunt in an attempt to avoid buying the new computer he’d already promised during the interview.

 

Guys With Mustaches
Guys who wear a mustache. First off, they’re usually hiding something. Second, they’re the type of guys who give you problems. Think about it. Every guy who has ever given you shit in your entire life, be it at work or elsewhere, has had a mustache. See?

 

Our Home On The Web
People who use the phrase, “Our Home on the Web” as a cute way of saying “website.” How 1998 of you. If you are one of these butt spelunkers, please hire someone who knows what they’re doing and put up a real website. I’m not saying UFOShip.com is a work of perfection or anything, but CHRIST!

 

Dr. Phil.

 

Dr. Phil’s show.

 

Those who are interested in Dr. Phil’s views.

 

Poodles Suck
Poodles of ANY size. What a dumb, useless, soulless dog. Buy a brick. It’s cheaper and smarter.

 

People who exist for the sole purpose of showing you pictures of their ALWAYS purportedly brilliant offspring.  Apparently, nobody I’ve encountered has unintelligent kids.  It’s the strangest thing.  I am not impressed by the fact that one of your sperm connected. Go away and enjoy your federal tax credit.

 

People who mention the fact that Hitler was involved in bringing the Volkswagen Bug to fruition… as if it makes up for the ovens.

 

Sub humans who throw their used toilet paper in a trash can rather than flush it. Savages.

 

Missionaries. I have yet to find a more annoying breed of human. “Your roof leaks like a sieve and you’re eating stolen top soil? Here’s a free copy of The Book of Mormon.” Assholes.

 

 

41 thoughts on “

  1. poodles are widely recognized as the smartest breed of dog. standard poodles are easier to deal with. miniature and teacup poodles are frequently a giant pain in the ass

  2. I love the one about the poser ass deadheads! That shit annoys me to no end, being a highschool student who actually listens to the dead and has…FOREVER..haha (~):}

  3. fuck those poser deadheads i may be nineteen but ask me to name three dead songs other than Touch of Grey, Truckin’ or Casey Jones and i will ill name more than three. Deal, row jimmy, peggy o, bertha,looks like rain i could go on forever but you get the idea those poser kids can go fuck themselves.

  4. Matt… thanks for the post. My sentiments exactly. I will say that while I was never a Dead fan, I always found this breed of poser to be particularly nauseating. There were PLENTY of them in high school, too. I think most of them still live with their parents, actually.

  5. i know it if u want me to name other covers i can do so can u tell me who first performed peggy o well i gues it dosent matter cause u can look it up but bottom line the Deads version is the best

  6. I hate things that beep. I can set my own mental timer for the microwave or clothes dryer, and if I want to keep my keys in the car I will. I’m smart enough that I will never stand behind a construction vehicle, but if there is a house being built in the neighborhood, all you hear is beeep beep beeep… I’m so tired of something electronic reminding me or telling me what to do. I’ve lived without this safety shit for decades; what’s next, the EPA beeping whenever I exhale poisonous CO 2? OSHA too. Go to Hell!

  7. Mike-
    Isn’t terd spelled turd?
    I’ve been catching up with your podcasts since you turned Art Bell off. I’ll not bitch about that as I find your station very interesting.
    Thanks for a good show!
    Bruce from St.Charles, MO

  8. It was funny except for the anorexic bit… you really don’t understand how anorexia works. It is not “exclusively Western” as you might think; anorexia exists all over the developed world.

    Blame 50 years of TV, movies and magazines telling us that the perfect woman has DD tits and a waist smaller than her head.

    Anorexia is a psychological disorder, like PTSD. Are you going to tell soldiers who saw their friends’ heads blown off to just suck it up and get over it? No, you would support them. Just as some PTSD soldiers can’t walk past a running car motor without diving for cover, some women (and men) psychologically lock themselves out of a healthy diet. The difference between the two is the girl will die with people like you jeering and goading her on.

    No, I’m not a girl. I’m just well versed in American media history and the body images that were created as a result. I doubt you will have read this entire post, but hopefully I may have imparted a little wisdom.

    TL;DR: there is always more than meets the eye. You saw “Transformers” as a kid, didn’t you?

  9. last updated in 2006?…..come on Michael…..surely there’s got to be some more things that you can to this list by now…………

  10. I once oven-baked a Volkswagen-shaped cake.

    I was talked into doing this for my brat nephew – “Trey” and normally, I can’t cook for shit. (Btw, who names their son fucking “Trey”? You named your son “3”?) Anyway, do I look like a cook? But this cake. Lemme tell ya. It was fucking beautiful when it came out. I put a little plastic VW emblem on it that looked like real chrome. I swear the son of a bitch honked at me. Yep. All happy. Beep beep! Look at me! Eat me! Eat me, fucker! You created me!

    It didn’t even hit me until later that the Nazi Car in The Oven irony was monumental. I didn’t know what to do. In a moment of great anxiety, I finally decided to send a message to Don Rickles’s Twitter account: “You want some cake? It’s good cake! (fuck Trey) Trust me. You will like this cake! You will LOVE it, Mr. R!”

    Don’t ask me why I sent the message. I don’t KNOW why. I just did it. I don’t know why I do anything. I don’t know why I bother.

    Bastard didn’t respond, so I threw the cake in the trash. Dead Man’s curve. Zzzzzzzzmpth! Swear to God. It crashed and burned faster than a Porsche in the capable hands of Ace Frehley. Yeah. Some of you get that.

    This is all true. If I were making it up, I would have claimed it was German chocolate cake in the oven.

    The real flavor?

    Lemon. Of course. It was a Volkswagen cake for chrissakes.

    You think that’s cute, I have a cousin, “Tracy,” in Arkansas, whose daughter “Veronica” found Tracy’s old E Z Bake Oven toy from the 60s which had been stored all these years in the attic waiting for its big comeback. (Oh, God, Please! Just one more lighbulb! Just one more chance to play with little Susie!)

    (grimace)

    Veronica, impressionable child that she be, reenacted “Schindler’s List”
    using Gummi Bears. Lots of laughs until Child Protective Services found out. They were like, “Miss Tracy, you’re daughter cain’t be eatin’ no Gummi Bears unless they’re vitamin enhanced.”

    Arkansas. It’s a natural! Thank you, Bill Clinton! (putz) Isn’t it ironic that there is a city called “Hope” in Arkansas but there’s no hope in Arkansas?

    Is it just me or is that backassed the fuck up?

    But guess what? (What? your face says. I can see it.)

    Gummi Bears were first introduced in GERMANY! In the 1920s. Here this kid was, sending German Jew Gummi Bears to death camps and she was using the real deal and didn’t even know it.

    Swear to God. If I’m lying, may God strike me dead with a blue bolt of swastika.

    (looking up)

    I don’t see Maggie Gyllenhaal on Vandeven’s old hate list, but who could ever forget his forum meltdown when she was mentioned? I thought he was gonna puke!

    Then some irresponsible dickhead made a gif animation bobble-head version of Maggie and posted it in the forum just to torture Vandeven! (It was a full 256 color optimized palette at a frame rate of 10/100s of a second per frame and used no transparent index.)

    Her head moved in the manner of a gentle Amish man patiently riding his horse to go trade with encroaching civilization. Hey, Amish Man! There’s an app for that!

    Speaking of the “G’s,” Jake Gyllenhaal is overrated. I think that’s pretty much established now. He reminds of a miniature David Copperfield, and that can’t be good. How can that be good? Miniature magic? Miniature narcissism? It’s ugly all way ’round. Hasn’t done a decent flick since Donnie Darko… so……… who is he exactly? What does he do? Who the fuck cares?

    How about this upcoming election? That’s pretty grim no matter HOW you look at it. I know I’m feeling grim.

    I say let’s start over. Let’s get a Jew. No, hear me out. Let’s get a Jew. Let’s get a German. Let’s elect BOTH to a dual run presidency and just let them go at it for four years. Wham! Wham! Wham! Whaddya say? Think about it. It’s obvious we’re getting nowhere fast with things as they are. Am I right? Am I right?

    Gimme one of those Gummi Bears, Vernoica. You ingrate. No, NOT one of the ones you melted. Christ. I can’t believe we are related, you and I.

    (This post is dedicated to the great Don Rickles.)

  11. Please reconsider poodles. If you love dogs, you owe it to yourself to give them another chance. Smart, loving, funny, good-looking, healthy, long-lived, loyal, easy to train, full of attitude…and, with a “pet cut” hairstyle, they don’t look like foo-foo dogs at all.

  12. Jst want to say we agree on damn near everything on this list… you seem like someone that woud be cool to chill with…. gottasay thanks to Mike Kuehle for turning me onto this site… This world needs more honest ppl who are not afraid of giving their own opinion on the things that piss them off and things that are just not right…

    Kuddos

  13. I don’t know why I’ve never clicked on the Things Michael Hates” tab, but I’m glad I did so today. Good stuff.

  14. Jesus fish drivers? I find the biggest assholes have Namaste bumper stickers. (Or drive Fords.)

    I think I owned that Tandy.

  15. Yeah man, fuck all of this. And can I add, any Radio ad that involves “The AD Council” Makes my ears bleed. I dont need somebody teling me what to do. Go fuck yourself.

  16. Hey Michael! I used to listen to your Streams during the “streamer.exe” days.The original “George noory sucks” channel.Glad to see your still at it and That was fuckin rad Art was on yesterday! I was prolly just as nervous.. Later!

  17. Hello MV:

    I was listening to the podcast last night … and honestly had NO idea that no-one would call in about the (bleck) Windows phone …I know you guys said the number a dozen times … I didn’t jot down it down — and by the time I realized that you Needed my call (lol) — I couldn’t find the number … I made mention on the forum that I was looking for phone number — but didn’t receive a response. (I did catch you saying that Jaz was asking for it — thought maybe he saw my post and was trying to get a number)

    Anyway, I really do NOT like my Nokia/Win7 phone … only five months left on the AT&T contract … was going to go back to iPhone BUT after last night’s discussion … I will do mega research before deciding what to buy next.

    I am not hooked on apps but if I want one; (perhaps, just a common app –i.e. Weight Watchers); I would like the ease of getting… little did I know (after I researched it out) — that Adobe developers quit working on flash for mobile devices in November 2011:
    http://gigaom.com/2011/11/09/why-flash-didnt-work-out-on-mobile-devices/

    Oh, and after more research a found some browser I could use … (UC Browser) — but even though I didn’t need ‘flash’ … it was still a cluster to set up what I needed and the functionality was not at 100%!!!

    My battery life is limited … but even more frustrating is that I can only get the phone to charge sometimes … have to play with it to get it connected to power-source.

    I like the big screen — yes but that is about all!

    So, again, I’m sorry that I didn’t catch the phone number to share my feelings about this (yuck) phone!

    And THANK YOU for bellgab forum, for assisting in putting the ArtBell.com /Dark Matter Network together and for the excellent tech talks (I’m a newie to listening but have so enjoyed the ones I’ve caught).

    Have a wonderful holiday to you and yours!

    Sincerely,

    Cecelia aka Ms. C

  18. Greetings : Loved the broadcast on DMRN . I heard you when Art Bell called in to the pod cast a few weeks ago , great interview . I’ll keep listening to you on the Dark Matter Network , you and your co-host do a great job . The world of Bellgab is a strange and wacky corner of the world…..but funny as hell . I might even drop into the world of bellgab , if I can figure out how to get back up the rabbit hole………..Cheers

  19. Hey, can you get the word out over at BellGab that Rollye James’ last three shows are this week (mon, tues and maybe weds?). (http://rollye.net). She’s headed to Arizona for a hopefully lucrative job. She hopes to have her stream up as soon as she’s settled. So please get the word out.
    Thank you for doing that.

  20. Michael can you please get the word out over at BellGab that Rollye James’ last two shows are this week (monday and new years eve). She’s truckin’ it with Jon back to
    Arizona. Thank you for doing that.

  21. Cam’s Corner: Arthur William Bell III was called Trey by his family. His mother did so when she did a show with him in the 90s.

  22. So listened to 4/28/15 BellGab and then read list of things you don’t like. Looks like Verizon isn’t the first person you wanted to blow up if you were a terrorist. ” I swear to you I would happily become a terrorist if it meant I could suicide bomb both the inventor of this faucet and those who install it.” Lol

  23. You REALLY made my day here!LOLLL TOO funny! Sadly, your views and and things to hate are spot on.(sighs) I believe George Carlin would agree.LOL

    Tring to become a new member over at BellGab, and came across your blog along the way. I like your blog.

    I tried loging in over at the forum there, (BellGab) but it keeps stating “Your account is still awaiting admin approval.” Just curious, (after scowering for an answer there) is there like a long waiting period before I can post/ask anything?(log-in even?)

    Well, thanks again for your time, help, and making me laugh several times too.(smilz)

    Have a great day!

    Todd S. in Oregon

  24. Listened to C2C last night, and Linda Moulton Howe was the ?? ? guest?? ? If you want to call her that instead of the host. Anyway, was just in agreement with many on the thread – Re: Linda Moulton Howe. Wanted to let anyone on that thread know about Art’s show beginning in July. Many there already know, but just thought I’d mention it there anyway.

    Thanks again!

    Todd

  25. I guess you know by now but if not then consider my opinion strictly that, just an opinion.

    Thank you gold bars for your assistance,

    Boy

  26. MV,

    One thing you did not mention…

    Shar pei’s…

    What is it with the fascination of these dogs?…

    An undersized dog, in an oversized body…

    Bomar

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